YWednesday, December 27, 2006
its been a month and so many things happened.
a ride that i don't wish to take for the second time.
endless nights of tears and regrets and hurt and realisation.
i pride myself for finally making a stand.
for finally proving to him that i can make it with or without him.
but i shamed my pride with the bruises and the tears
and the hurt that i've caused the people who loves me.
i was ashamed, embarassed and forlon and wretched.
it took me awhile to realise my true friends. to highlight those who are merely acquaintainces. it sucked to have to come to such realisation.
every night i long to dream. and live in that dream.
but i end up experiencing the same nightmare that i had days before.
i want to wake and as i tried, i suffocated.
i missed him. but wat's the point. he don't love me.
he tried to pretend nothing happened and i couldn't be bothered.
i lost trust in him. and he hurt me with those names of abuse he hurled at me.
BROKEN. im broken by my loss and by reality.
i am not sad. im not in denial. i don't want to be.
sometimes..i want him to hold me close. hear him say those words again.
but now that i realised he's ulterior motives, i breakdown.
breakdown and hate myself for always hoping. for being stupid.
i am stupid for hoping for happiness all this years.
i know this life of mine is meant to be filled with darkness and hurt and despair.
i also know that its not right to make such a statement.
this melancholic life of mine is taking its toll on me.
i dun want to see her shed another tear.
i dont want her to regret bringing me to life. i dont want her to regret bringing me up.
i dont want her to tell me that she's disappointed of her failure cuz of me.
i dont want her to.
but she did.
she shed the tears and hurt the heart and said those words.
she shed those tears and said those words cuz he proved her my failure.
i dont want to run away..
how many more years should i sacrifice to make u happy?
i've always wanted happiness too. but im sorry.
im sorry i failed you. i'm sorry that u had to go through this.
im sorry.
i was in a stage of suicidal despair.
inflicted pain upon myself for temp euphoria.
but the scars torment me. so i tried to remove it by creating new ones.
i did and did till i no longer feel what im supposed to feel.
i feel pain and disquietude.
i worry and get restless of the pain.
till i read and read to live in that other world alike mine. only worst.
but elation feels me. to know that there's someone in that other world.
going through that same martyrdom.
"i know i cant accept change, i'm too much of a traditionalist, too attached to my memories n paradoxically, attached to the fantasies about the future. That's y my present is so restless, even if it's happy: i mix the past, the future and the present as tho an exquisite sweet might emerge from the dough. A sweet that does u good cause it hurts." - The Scent of Your Breath, Melissa P.
_callous_ was here with you at